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Boobs: The Return!

January 7, 2006 By D. Riley

Some long time ago I made a promise to one G. Turner, and the population of The New Gamer as a whole. I would never use this function while I was not under the influence of the sweet alcohol that I love so much.

I've had a varied track record, but in general I've accomplished my goals.

At the bar we had a fun time as usual. When I dictated my curious business strategy of Front Beat vis-a-vis Bananarama (more specifically: Cruel Summer). At the end of the night, we all pitched in our $20. The tab was only $60, but I was intending to spend that much anyway. So the waitress came away with a pretty sweet tip. Unfortunately, to get it she had to wade through my smarmy remark, scrawled hastily on the recepit along with my phone number. As I worked my decidedly unsubtle charm my roommate asked if he should doodle in a charicature of me, as he is often fond of doing. Flashbacks. Haven't I been here before?

Now, 2:39 in the morning, I come here to talk to you in this way that only men can talk to real men, via the internet. We pound our chests, grunt and give high-fives. With some 10+ pints of lager in me I am notably incoherent. But G-dawg, my main Turner, he showed me a journal article I posted many, many months ago. Almost a year to this day. That journal is here. Enjoy it as you will, there's much to understand.

It sparked a fire in me. And if you'll listen, dear reader, I want to talk for just a moment.

I fear that survival horror is a dying breed. My erstwhile roommate and current webcomic partner, Jonathan Skabla sits next to me and we dicuss beautiful things. Resident Evil 3, we agree, was the best thing to come out of that game series. I defy you to disagree. Do you remember the times of shooting down the Nemesis, expending bullet after bullet in the hopes of rescuing a metallic briefcase labeled "Shotgun Parts A" from his not-quite-dead corpse? Were you someone that took him out using only the pistol? Could you super-juke him, working your feminine wiles around the cumbersome control system, and not use a single herb?

Playing Fatal Frame III makes me think differently than what I said so many months ago. The survival horror genre IS stagnating. It NEEDS something to revolutionize it. Fatal Frame III is the proof.

You know what? I'm tired of games where you move at a snail's pace. I'm tired of games where you pound on button after button in a desperate attempt to open doors just a LITTLE bit faster. I'm tired of games that make you watch every ponderous step of your underdressed teenage girl character on whatever ladder you had the misfortune to climb.

Someone needs to kick these surivival horror game makers in their fanny and point them in the right direction. This genre is stagnating, this genre is dying, and it's because nobody's had an original idea for it since 1995!! There is very little I have experienced in Fatal Frame III that I didn't experience four years ago in Fatal Frame I, save for the peculiar absence of my good friend JL asking other good friend J. Skabs to pause the game during ghost attacks in the vain attempt to catch a flash of heroine Miku's panties during her most tenuous and vital moments.

When Resident Evil 5 comes out I want it to wow me. I want it to blow me away. I want it to show me that survival horror isn't stuck in "Wait!! Don't open... THAT door!" I want the next game to not involve a "Jill Sandwich". I want to feel like I'm not playing the same crap, retreading the same places. I'm tired of giving the waitress my phone number at the end of the night, and I'm tired of what survival horror has become, or its lack of becoming anything new.

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#1 TrueTallus Jan 9, 2006 06:03pm

It seems to me that survival horror has had quite a few people trying their hand at innovation in the not so distant past. Titles like Lifeline, the Suffering, Haunting Ground and, of course, Resident Evil 4. Even otherwise dirivitive bargain basement stuff like Obscure tinkered with the old formula in more than a few areas. Or is it something more that simple innovation that your looking for? More polish and playability maybee?

#2 D. Riley Jan 9, 2006 06:19pm

That's a very good point. Amongst your examples, I especially liked Lifeline (and LOVED the Japanese title: Operator's Side). I would hesitate to consider The Suffering to be survival horror. I guess a case could be made, but it's even more action-based than Resident Evil 4 (watch me be a hypocrite on this statement when my FEAR write-up hits).

I tend to agree withcha though, so maybe I spoke too fast. Here and there in the genre there are spurts of inspiration, but as a whole they're very half-baked. While I loved Lifeline, it wasn't exactly the most perfectly executed game on the market. Obscure's co-op was pretty cool, but the game would've been totally unfun without it. Haunting Ground I have yet to play, but I understand the game is pretty similar in its mechanics to Clock Tower 3, which was just god-awful in many places.

So you're right, innovation is there. I guess my contention is, aside from Resident Evil 4, most of it tends to suck.

But then. Most survival horror tends to suck.

#3 Enzian Feb 24, 2006 07:16pm

I got Eternal Darkness for my neglected, dusty GameCube based on the incredible word of mouth surrounding it. Other than the fact I played it with my wife, I found it boring as hell.

What can I say? She's a complete non-gamer, but the survival horror genre piques her old 80's slasher interest.

So, I pick up Condemned: Criminal Origins. I was looking forward to playing with her again, but this time - a good game with next-Jenny graphics.

We've only played one sitting and cruised through 5 fucktarded levels. Maybe I'm getting older; maybe my disbelief is getting harder to suspend; whatever. This plot is so st00pid I just can't bring myself to care. The only thing keeping me moving through these stupidly-designed stupid levels is the fact I am actually gaming with my wife. That's worth it. I guess. I could do without the perpetual need to explain to her that, no, not all the games I play are this fantastically stupid - but I'll take onee gaming session with her over 100 without her.

Well, a couple.

Are we lost? Have we no hope of playing a decent survivoal horror game? I've ditched the Game Cube at my parent's house (my son and I play it when we visit) but we still have both XBoxii (1 and 360). Any reccommendations?

#4 Glenn Turner Feb 25, 2006 06:18pm

I'm nowhere near the survival horror aficionado that Mr. Riley is, but Silent Hill 2 is amazing. Plus it's a pretty compelling two-person experience. But if you found Eternal Darkness boring, you might not have the patience for it, plus it's more along the lines of a horror drama instead of a slasher.

Obscure is fun if you're looking for some survival horror co-op. It's cheesy and flawed, but a great two player experience. You can read more about it here.

#5 Enzian Feb 26, 2006 04:34pm

Excellent! I might pick that up the next time I'm out and about.

#6 Cypher Feb 26, 2006 09:25pm

G. Turner wrote:
I'm nowhere near the survival horror aficionado that Mr. Riley is, but Silent Hill 2 is amazing. Plus it's a pretty compelling two-person experience. But if you found Eternal Darkness boring, you might not have the patience for it, plus it's more along the lines of a horror drama instead of a slasher.

Obscure is fun if you're looking for some survival horror co-op. It's cheesy and flawed, but a great two player experience. You can read more about it here.

I've played obscure as well, great fun for a romp with the pals. Certainly a steal at $15.

#7 Oogedaboo Mar 1, 2006 01:43am

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth is fun.

It has some weak elements, but at times they just capture Lovecraftian horror so perfectly (escape from the hotel, anyone?) that I can't help but forgive all of its problems.

#8 D. Riley Mar 1, 2006 07:49am

Oogedaboo wrote:
Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth is fun.

I disagreed. Resoundingly so.

#9 WholeFnShow Mar 2, 2006 12:25am

The innovation factor is important, I won't argue that. But I will contest that one's ability to suspend belief, as our friend earlier brought up, is even more important to the survival horror formula. Certain people are better at getting sucked into games than others, that's a fact. I'm not attempting to place the blame on gamers who won't take a pile of crap and thrust themselves in head first. Alls I'm saying is that even though certain games may definitely be lacking, if the will is strong enough a good experience can still be had.

I had beaten the first Silent Hill years and years ago when it first came out, and hadn't touched it since until a few months ago. This comes after playing the following three sequels. While playing it, during a few parts of the game I got the feeling that the developers never expected this thing to go past the first game. But overall, I was just as caught up in it as I was in the 2nd and 3rd iterations. Basically, the type of gamer playing the game can make the game as much as the content inside of it.

#10 Enzian Mar 2, 2006 06:33pm

I was talking to my wife about the effect we have on our enjoyment. When I play Doom 3 on my PC, I damn near crap myself for the first 20 minutes I play. Luckily for my wife the laundry-lady, the scare effect of the 10th "monster closet" wears off after 20 minutes of gameplay.

I wonder: if we played Doom 3 together, would we experience the same fright level I do, or would we steel ourselves with each other's presence? Would we cling together in fear or would we heckle the second monster closet as a cheap and easy shot?

Or are scary games best played alone?

#11 Enzian Mar 8, 2006 09:56pm

We beat Condemned in our second sitting. What a crap-fest. I have no idea what the whole world is smoking, but the game sucked donkey balls.

Am I the only one who doesn't fellate this game?

#12 D. Riley Mar 8, 2006 10:48pm

Unfortunately you're probably the only one with a 360. I'd love to join the voice of dissent, but not until there are games that are actually worth buying, and more than a couple of them.

It's hardly anything NEAR survival horror at this point, but I picked up Onimusha 4 tonight and it is A-Ok so far.

EDIT: In the "survival horror" vein, though, I've been playing a lot of System Shock 2 recently and, wow... game's still awesome. Especially since there's a semi-devout modding community out there that's released updated textures for all the backgrounds and enemy models. Kick ass! If you have any interest in good games go out of your way to get one, go out of your way to kitbash it into working on XP, and then enjoy every millisecond of it.