The following is a guest review written by Rutilcaper.

Look at me, not moving or firing.

In the last review I wrote for this great site, I graced you with my ideas on how the wonderful game Otogi was made. With this short write up, I will be doing the same, for I do believe that P.N. 03 was also concieved in some ill-lit bar...IN HELL!

Hitler: Ah, guten evening Herr Stalin. You look not so happy tonight I see.
Stalin: Ah, da, da Commerade Hitler. I am sad, for the lives of over 20 million of my own people and greatest friends were not enough to quench my unholy bloodlust
Hitler: Well Herr Stalin, what if I were to tell you about a NEW idea I had for wreaking suffering and misery across the land?
Stalin: I'm listening, but only if you make me another Bloody Mary. Ha! I never get tired of that one!

And that's how games like P.N. 03 get born. Don't read me the wrong way, I love shooters, I was practically raised on shooters. I remember a long time ago, coughing my budding lungs out in an arcade as I spent my $2 a week allowance pumping quarter after quarter (up to a total of eight) into Raiden II, or whatever game might suit my fancy at the time. As I matured, shooters did with me. We've been graced with all sorts of varieties, from the simple complexities of Einhander to the rich detail of Contra : Shattered Soldier, there's no dearth of quality material out there, that's for damn sure.

It's just a shame that P.N. 03 isn't one of them. I had high hopes for this game, high enough even to put a pre-order down for it (the $10 off might've helped. It sure helped me when I decided to cut my losses on eBay) but almost as soon as I did, more and more crap starts rolling in. First, she loses her gun. 'No big deal' I say, it's Capcom...more so it's Shinji Mikami! The guy who pioneered the genre I love so dearly, this guy isn't gonna fail me. I believe in him.

But he did fail me. And you want to know why? Because you can't freaking move and fire at the same time! I think I could forgive many of this game's flaws (and believe me, there ARE many!) if I could just have the ability to dispense electric death to robot foes without having to plant my legs into the ground like a redwood to do it. Tell me again how just standing there and holding the A button is a good time for anyone. It sure as hell isn't for me!

But that's the name of the game with P.N. 03, repetition. There's about seven enemies, spread over 11 levels. That's not even one new enemy a level. Not even one! And they -palette- swap! Hello? This isn't 1987, you don't need to do that anymore. Not only do they do that, but they recycle BOSSES! There's only four of them to begin with and three get reused! I'd imagine Capcom delayed the release of this game trying to figure out how to put that elusive four boss in again, but finally did give up upon the realization that he's the FUCKING LAST BOSS! Listen, this isn't Final Fantasy and it sure as hell isn't Mega Man. You don't recycle bosses when you have less in the game than you can count on one of your tiny Japanese hands. I mean, good god!

It's not as if these enemies are very in-depth either. Devil May Cry had maybe ten or twelve enemies total, and that was spread over approximately 20-some levels. But I was fine with that, you want to know why? Because Devil May Cry enemies all had between five and ten attacks, and they were all different. You want to know how many attacks a P.N. 03 enemy has? ONE! Everything in this game is a pattern, at least in most shooters they psyche you out a little like "Is the tiny ship gonna fire it's single bullet to the right, or to the left?" But no, none of that here. 'Dash ahead laser, sweep laser' became my god-damn MANTRA 'round-about the fifth level.

The enviorments suffer from much the same problem too. First off, there's two enviornments. Post-apocalypse wasteland outself (You'll see this about three times) and shiny spic n' span inside (You'll see this for about seven hours). It's not even that the rooms look the same, they are the same. When you start to play training missions it's not uncommon to run into the same room FIVE TIMES IN A ROW! FIVE! If you're really lucky they'll be branching rooms and you'll spend ten minutes wandering around in circles finding the one path you haven't found. That's ten minutes of just running through rooms, all of which look exactly the same and are totally devoid of monsters because you killed them all -ten minutes ago-!

What shall I do today, move...or fire?

Following suit, the upgrades are equally pointless, and to get anywhere in the game you have to buy them. They don't give you any particular advantage usually, they just let you catch up to the levels the enemies are at. All the suits are, like some of the enemies, palette swaps and were presumably invented by El Diablo himself, considering how much they screw you on it. If you want to play in true shooter style you'll want the suit with high offense, good special moves, and no defense. Only problem with this is it doesn't have an automatic shot, so now you have to pound on the A button if you want to kill anything. What does this do? Why, it nullifies your use of the entire right side of the controller. That's right, no ducking, no jumping, no dodging to the right while you're firing your gun...ever! So what do you have to do? You have to get the weaker, more defensively abled suit with the autofire option in order to be able to dodge effectively. But now that you've got all this defense you don't NEED to dodge effectively! Arg! I hear you say 'What about the middle of the line suits with pretty good stats all around?' and I would say 'Sure, if you like dying.' Because that's what's going to happen to you when you buy one of them. They have the worst special moves ever.

Not like it matters because the special moves (while visually impressive) are often almost impossible to pull off thanks to the GameCube's useless D-pad and guess what, if you want to do the moves you've either got to take your hand off the fire, or the analog stick that moves you around. I thought Capcom would be nice and at least offer me fully customizable controls, or something to allow me to map the energy drive motions to the C-Stick (which is much more responsive than the D-pad and doesn't disappear when I put my thumb over it) but no, no such luck is to be found. There's two sets of controls without any real differences, and you're basically stuck with them. None of this should really concern you at points where you -need- to use a super move anyway, as you either have to know that one's coming up, or rely on luck for you to get the motion right on the first try.

(Of course. With all the repetition in this game, you probably WILL know when enemies are coming up. I saw the same room three times in one level. Not a training mission, a REAL level!)

At least the special moves provide some variety, as you have one physical attack that never visibly change. I'd imagine this is to compliment the soundtrack. The music is pretty much as bad as everything else, to a point. Until the seventh or eight level I could barely tell that there was even more than one song playing in the background. It's standard techno fare that works okay in the game, but would probably make your friends murder you in your sleep if you played in on the stereo. Each song is about 45 seconds long and repeats ad infinitum. Though, after about 50 training missions I found this really cool, somber tune that I had never heard before with this nice, air whirring sound in it. Of course, seeing as how I played 50 missions just to hear it once I'm likely not to hear it again...I'll treasure my fifteen minutes with it always though. Because of that song, the music in P.N. 03 is probably rated as one of the 'least bad' things about it.

What is not 'least bad' is everything else. Everything else includes some of the most arbitrary judgements I've ever seen in a videogame. Missles have splash damage, sometimes (usually when the splash damage would kill you). There's a combo system, but often enemies are placed so far apart it's basically impossible to chain together a whole room unless you go about trying to rodeo them all together, in which case you'll probably die doing it for just a few lousy points. The auto-aim is useless. There are these little guys that shield bigger guys, so please tell me why I have to cycle through three totally invincible guys just to hit the one I want? And forget about shooting off a special move to clear the herd. If you get it off, and if it doesn't run into a bunch of walls (that's a pretty big if in the claustrophobic enviornments of P.N. 03) then it'll just target the totally invincible enemies shielded by the tiny enemies you can't aim at! Hooray.

The graphics in P.N. 03 are pretty good, though there's a significant amount of flicker at points, and tons of jaggies considering how positively tiny the enviornments are. Even worse, anything graphically intensive on the screen, like a giant laser or a spotlight and you're moving in slow motion. Like five frames a second in slow motion. Like, you can barely tell that anything's happening at all and you just pray it goes away before your special move's invincibility wears off, only it won't because your special move's flashy effects are what's CAUSING the slow down!

And I just can't synch with Vanessa Z Schneider as a character. I'm sure she's hip and cool in all the 30 year old lonely guy circles, but I just don't get it. If I ever make a game, and it has a female character, she will be wearing slacks and a flannel shirt. Sadly enough, "Big Motha Truckers: The Road Dyke Experience" will probably never be made. People like you and me will have to settle for the pixelated latex bodysuit and all too prominent ass-crack of Vanessa Z, whose face I think looks slightly mongoloid (but maybe that's just me). Also, I can't stand the shades. When was this decree that a character wasn't cool unless they had shades? I must've missed that one. Even BETTER, Vanessa's shades seem to be like, implanted into the side of her skull, give me a break! Suddenly Jill Valentine fighting the evils of Racoon City in a leather mini and tube top doesn't seem like such a stretch anymore. I hate the character of Vanessa Z Schneider, but more, I hate it because she's the reason a lot of people are buying this. The grossly overweight fellow at my local EB regaeled me with stories about how five or six guys would crowd around the demo and just push buttons to watch her shake her ass. Wonderful. I'm glad a share a species with you.

To be fair, the one pose of Vanessa with her right hand in the air, snapping her fingers as she fries the circuitry of out of control robots with her left does look -really- slick in a "I'm so non-chalant" way, and the way she taps her foot and bobs her head while idle just makes me think "I'm hungering for more" and what kind of gentleman would disallow that? Many of Vanessa's moves do send out a pretty keen sense of style, but I could certainly do without anything pertaining to 'rump shaking'. Sex and video games don't need to mix, ever, in my opinion. So, in conclusion...more finger snapping, less ass shaking.

STILL NOT MOVING WHILE FIRING!

And more moves that may not look as stylish, but actually do something worthwhile. It's like while they were making this game they read Devil May Cry 2's book of "useless moves that look really awesome". So fine, she can do a cartwheel...it doesn't help! Many people might never even see it, as you can't cartwheel when you fire. The moves in this are like the robots, they're here to serve one purpose only. The duck is to get you under laser beams (The pointless laser puzzles! Arg! Why are they even in this game?) and the stupid little backwards twirl she does when you push back is there so we can't have a logical controller scheme and are instead stuck with something that works -great- in Resident Evil, but not so much in a game that requies speed and finesse. You know, I've liked my share of bad games in my time, but when one of my friends asks to borrow Gun Valkyrie I'm sure to give them a disclaimer about it. 'Well, *I* really like it,' I'll say. After delving deep into the gameFAQs message board for this game, I find myself worrying that the rabid fanboys there are gonna convince a whole bunch of people to buy this mediocre-at-best game and then a whole bunch more are going to be made. This is not right! It was bad enough we got Gungrave, but now P.N. 03? Sometimes the bad games should just stay in Japan. I wanted to like P.N. 03, I really did...but it's a great game that just can't get past its 10-15 crippling flaws and as such, it's not worth a purchase. I'm not sure people could even stand to spend the five to six hours it takes to complete it, considering how mind-numblingly boring this game can get. Here's a suggestion, have your own music. The sound in this game is barely important anyway.

I leave you with a quote from the self-same GameFAQs message board that I mentioned. Beware, blind fanboy faith is included therein:

Myself: What's wrong with the controls? Oh gee, I don't know...EVERYTHING?! Where's the sideways jump? What's up with the stupid twirl she does going backwards? Why does she have such a horrible turning speed, why are you forced to work with the horrid D-pad?
Fanboy: Was that sarcasm? I couldn't tell (Actual quote!) Anyway, if there was a sideways jump, the cartwheel would be useless.
Myself: The cartweel IS useless!!!

(As a final note, if you DO say, rent this game don't bother getting the "secret cutscene" as it's not worth eight hours of your time, nor is the "ultra sexy" g-string/thong ensemble suit. If you do spend twenty hours on this game, like I did well...god have mercy on your soul).